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Dear Rishi:
Although your question is not as detailed as many of the ones we receive, I found it intriguing. I believe it touches on something very important.
Right now there is a huge disparity between society’s desire to avoid offending anyone (otherwise known as political correctness) and people’s penchant
for being outright rude and violent toward one another. On the one hand, people are careful not to say “Merry Christmas” for fear of offending a
non-Christian, while at the same time we hear news stories about someone being shot to death because they accidentally cut someone off in traffic.
Believe me, there is such a thing as a happy medium here, and let’s talk about that. Remember the beautiful essay by Robert Fulghum that was widely
quoted several years back? It was called “All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” It spelled out so eloquently the fact that basic
politeness never, ever goes out of fashion, and that if all of us could just remember our manners, the world would be a much happier place. Everyone
who wants to be a good friend should read that essay, which can be accessed easily by typing the full title into a search engine.
I think sometimes people use a façade of politeness as a way to manipulate others. Politeness can be somewhat passive-aggressive at times, for instance
when one person is so polite that it instantly makes everyone else the bad guy. Let’s face it, no one is polite all the time, and anyone who says they
are may be a master at making others feel inferior. Like those who deliver thinly-veiled insults with a wide, innocent grin on their faces. It’s difficult
to confront a person like that.
People who are overly polite can at times get taken advantage of. I have a friend, Alyssa, who is so sweet and polite – and I love this girl to death – but
she allows herself to be ridiculed in front of others and basically bossed around by a so-called friend all in the name of politeness. Alyssa has great
intentions, but her desire to be polite at all costs has caused her a great deal of mental anguish through the years because she is unable to end relationships
with people who don’t care about her.
We all need to stick up for ourselves at times – it’s part of basic survival (and necessary for our sanity!). But I’ve tried to illustrate in many past columns
that it is possible to do this while maintaining our dignity and respecting the other person rights. That’s not weakness. That’s just being a good friend.
So Rishi, I think you’ve touched on one of the most important qualities in making and keeping friends. Friends respect one another. They bring one another hot
soup in times of illness, thank each other even for the little things, and reassure each other in times of need. They don’t cut each other off because there is
a more important caller on the other line, they pay back money they borrow from one another, and they apologize after a misunderstanding.
In our busy world sometimes we forget to be polite, and it’s a real shame. It’s a sign of basic respect, a positive acknowledgement that other people’s needs
are important to us. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that basic politeness is a character flaw.
Lacey
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