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Dear Elizabeth:
You're in a tough situation. What you originally fought about isn't exactly a tremendous issue, but it’s obvious Andrea isn't ready to forgive you yet.
You didn't mention if you have kids of your own, but judging from the things you've said, I'm going to assume you don't. Children not only complicate the lives of their parents, they often complicate friendships as well, especially when one friend is
without children.
For instance, parents worry about things that non-parents find completely ridiculous. Whether Junior ate his peas or went potty on schedule can make or break an entire week, whereas a non-parent would shrug their shoulders and wonder what all the fuss
was about. Not that either party is right or wrong, it’s just how it is.
The fact that you had a wild night and failed to baby-sit was probably a huge issue for your friend. Believe me, parents often bite their fingernails until the babysitter actually shows up – it’s harder than you may think to find reliable childcare even
for a couple of hours.
That said, Andrea turned what should have been a you-let-me-down-please-don't-do-it-again conversation into a personal attack. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable at the thought of going to her wedding…if I were in your shoes I would have felt the
same way. And you absolutely did the right thing in sending wedding and sympathy cards; it showed you still care, even if you weren't at the wedding.
I've addressed the issue of weddings in previous columns. It’s my not-so-humble opinion that wedding planning turns perfectly sane women into raving lunatics, resulting in needlessly fractured friendships. One of my friends was dethroned as a bridesmaid
not because of a fight but because the bride found someone else who would “look better in the wedding pictures” (i.e. the replacement bridesmaid was a perfect size 6). Then the ever-so-gracious bride attempted to placate my friend by asking her to stand
behind the refreshment table and serve green-sherbet punch at the reception. In other words, my friend had gone from bridesmaid to glorified waitress overnight. See what I mean? Another example of temporary bridal insanity. Insane or not, it’s still
a crime if you ask me.
With the holidays coming up, why not send Andrea a card or write her an e-mail to let you know you're thinking of her? You could say something like, “I'm sorry for my part in this. I value your friendship, and I'd like to talk things over. I miss you.”
You could even show her this column. Tell her that the opinion of an outside, objective observer (yours truly) is that you were both wrong. You were wrong for letting her down on the babysitting issue, but she overreacted by excluding you as a member of
the bridal party. In other words, you're even, and the two of you should get past this.
If she doesn't respond after you attempt to contact her again, then it’s time for you to move on. It’s my guess you will hear from her down the road, because the friendship is indeed worth saving. You have 12 years invested here! And remember, it’s impossible
to be in a close friendship without occasionally making each other really angry. No one has to be perfect. But it would be nice if people were more forgiving. Best of luck to you, Elizabeth.
Lacey
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