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Dear Jennifer:
Sorry to be blunt, but there’s no gentle way to say this. You're not asking this question for your friend’s sake, you're asking for yourself. Your friend’s divorce has gotten in the way of your social agenda, and it’s bumming you out.
That said, I don't like to berate people when I (and the rest of the free world) have been guilty of having selfish motives where friends are concerned. In fact, many of the questions I receive have to do with the strain that is put on
a friendship when one friend experiences a major change in his/her life.
Unfortunately for your friend, divorce is one of the most stressful life experiences one can have. In fact, it’s up there with being fired from a job, experiencing a death in the family, moving, etc. While down the line it would be great
if Sandra could find someone to make her happy again, it’s obviously far too early for that yet, and if you're a good friend you will back off from pushing that particular agenda.
What can you do instead? Be there for her. Offer her a shoulder to cry on at three o'clock in the morning. Take her out for a quiet lunch and let her pour out her troubles. Accept that for the time being, you may have to give more than
you receive, but take comfort in the fact that down the line she will be there for you when you need her.
Not that you must completely put aside your own needs. Do you have any other friends who would enjoy hanging out with you while Sandra gets her life together? That’s why it’s nice to have a wide variety of people in your circle of friends – we
all have needs and interests and desire others’ company, so when one friend is unable to fill that need for a particular amount of time, it’s helpful to call on someone else. Just make sure you're doing as much giving as you are taking.
And of course, be sensitive to Sandra’s feelings. That means holding back a little when what you really want to do is rave about a hot new club or complain about a nasty hangover. I'm all for honesty, but when a friend is going through a major
life change, discretion is key.
Hang in there, Jennifer. Sandra’s problems will be resolved in time. In the meantime, be there for her while at the same time pursuing your own interests. Believe me, it can be done, and your friendship will be all the better for it in the end.
Lacey
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