Dear Lacey:

My friend Roseanne and I were very close during our high school years, but after I began a family she gradually stopped calling me. For a while, I kept the friendship alive but I became so irritated by her lack of interest in me that I stopped and we didn't speak for more than two years. Even though she knew my due date, she didn't even call to see how the baby and I were doing!

I tracked Roseanne down recently and she was thrilled to hear from me and asked me to be the matron of honor in her upcoming wedding. Initially I was thrilled but she treated me more like hired help than a long lost friend. I spent a year helping her with her wedding plans and although she used to call to ask my opinion about the wedding, I haven't heard from her in several weeks.

I have really tried to be a good friend during this past year. My question is this: since our friendship is so one-sided, should I just let it die again or should I confront her about it first? I have hinted to her that I am feeling neglected and unappreciated but she always seems to think I’m joking. How can I get her attention and let her know that I have reached my limit? How do I know if she is a true friend or someone that I SHOULD just let fade into the distance? Thanks for your help!

Susan in Texas

Dear Susan in Texas:

Susan, here’s the short answer to your question. No, Roseanne is not a true friend. It sounds as though you were always the one to keep the friendship going, and Roseanne’s failure to acknowledge the birth of your baby is inexcusable, no matter what her marital status was at the time.

And a word about weddings and friendship. If there is anything that will turn a perfectly wonderful person into, well, for lack of a better word -- a creep -- it’s a wedding. If the friendship is strong to begin with, hopefully the long-suffering bridesmaids (because let’s face it, there is no worse job in the world) will forgive the bride and resume the friendship after the wedding is over. But in your case, Susan, the friendship was on shaky ground to begin with, so I think you owe her nothing more.

You certainly did an admirable job of being there for Roseanne, but considering her lack of appreciation and penchant for minimizing your concerns, you don’t need to pursue anything further with her. As for having a discussion with her, I ask myself these questions when considering whether to confront an issue with a friend: Am I going to lose sleep over this? Is this going to eat away at me, making me angry and resentful? Will the mere mention of her name in the future cause my blood to boil? If I bring this issue up with the person, is s/he likely to listen with concern and compassion?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then a discussion is in order, for your sake more than hers. If it’s no, then don’t bother. If you feel the need for closure but decide you do not want to have a full confrontation, write her a short note saying something like, “Roseanne, as much as I would love to continue our friendship and have enjoyed having you in my life, I feel like our lives are going down different paths. I truly wish you all the best in your new life, and I will cherish the memories of our friendship.” That makes you the bigger person, brings some closure for both of you, and allows you to let go of any anger or spite.

Move on. Know that you did everything you could to salvage the friendship: you were a good friend to her. I’m sure there are many people out there who would value your friendship.

Best of luck to you, Susan.

Lacey