Dear Lacey:

For the past two years I've been really annoyed by something my best friend said. I always think about it even though she probably doesn’t even remember it. About 4 years ago I moved from New Jersey to Florida. She used to say I should come back with her to Kentucky (where she was originally from). I would have because I’m a very adventurous person and I love to travel. Before I could even offer for her to visit New Jersey with me, she said she wouldn’t ever go to New Jersey because she believed people would be mean to her cause she’s southern. Other friends even said they heard people were snobby and there were drugs everywhere.

My friend hurt me even though I never told her and it just bugs me to see how much separation there is in our own country. It’s like North and South are two completely different worlds. I never realized that so many kids my age (14,15,16) feel that way. I’m just confused and I need advice on how to convince my friends that New Jersey isn’t bad at all, it’s just different.

Jersey Girl

Dear Jersey Girl:

Remember being a little kid on the playground and not caring who it was you played with, as long as they played fair or had a really cool toy? Well, by the time your teenage years come along, things change. At your age, you begin to think about your identity: who you are, where you came from, and who you would like to become.

You’re right that some of the things people worry about, like someone’s accent, or where they grew up, can be silly and even irrelevant. But one thing you’ll learn as you move into adulthood is that these things matter more to some people and less to others. It’s human nature for your friends to want to be around people who are like them, but unfortunately, that means they miss out on appreciating the differences and beauty of other cultures.

It’s ironic that your friend from Kentucky has closed her mind to New Jersey. The last time I drove through New Jersey I noticed quite a few horse farms and pretty countryside, something for which Kentucky is world-famous! And as someone who has lived in both North and South, I can attest that neither region has cornered the market on close-minded or open-minded people; it just depends on the individual you’re dealing with.

It’s perfectly acceptable – and expected – to embrace and be proud of one’s heritage. But when that pride begins to exclude others, it can hurt relationships. In your case it appears that your friendship continued despite your friend’s comments. If you can bring the subject up with her in a tactful way, then by all means do so. You could say something like, “Listen, I’m sure you didn’t realize it at the time, but something you said a while back hurt my feelings.” Then tell her. She will probably be surprised and apologetic that she hurt you.

But abandon the idea that you can immediately change friends’ perceptions about your home state. One sure way to frustrate yourself is to go on a mission to actively change someone’s mind about something. Take a more subtle approach instead and represent your state proudly by being a caring friend and when the subject comes up, mentioning something you love about New Jersey.

When I was your age, just a shy girl growing up in Virginia, one of my best friends was a punk rocker from New York with spiked hair and ripped fishnet stockings. We were an unlikely pair and fully aware of our differences, but in the end those differences made us better friends. I enjoyed her brazenness, and she liked that I was quiet and introspective.

Mary, ALL of us say things that hurt our friends without even realizing it. I think this is what happened here. If your friend’s comments are still bothering you, address it. If not, let it go, but if she says anything derogatory about New Jersey in the future, respond in a positive, non-emotional way. “Hey, drugs are a problem in every state,” or “Did you know that New Jersey has terrific boardwalks?”

Best of luck to you.

Lacey