Dear Lacey:

I am a 54-year-old woman who never married by choice; I have no family whatsoever. My best friend, Millie, is 48 and has never been married but is open to the idea. We have become inseparable: we work out in the morning before work, eat together approximately 3 to 4 days a week, and work out on Saturdays. I am very attached to her, and I consider her and her mom, sister, and brother-in-law to be my adopted family. I spend holidays with them and even go to the family reunions.

Two months ago, Millie began dating Rob, and I feel our friendship has been threatened. He is very nice but I have made myself sick worrying that she will abandon me for him. I've talked with her about this and she reassured me that will not happen. I've cried to the point I have had to miss work over this. I have lots of other friends, but Millie is my buddy and I want to be able to spend time with her. I still see her everyday, but I'm just waiting for it to end. I'm afraid I'll be all alone for the holidays because she will now invite him to her mother's. I know she is hurt by how I feel and I don't want that, but I can't help my feelings either.

Dana

Dear Dana:

Dana, I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through over this. I think everyone with a close relationship like yours and Millie’s wishes it would just go on forever, but remember, every relationship – especially a close one – hits snags. And the devastation that follows can be akin to the feelings we experience when a death or the breakup of a romantic relationship has occurred.

Now I’m going to tell you some things you probably don’t want to hear. While it is perfectly acceptable to mourn and grieve over the change in your relationship, you must eventually accept the fact that it has indeed changed. This is for your own well-being as well as for the future of the friendship. If your feelings of despair get to the point where you can’t work or don’t want to leave the house, it is imperative that you seek *professional help.

This problem is likely more about you than about Millie having a boyfriend. It sounds as though because you don’t have family of your own, you have projected some of those needs onto Millie and her family, which we all tend to do in one way or another. Sometimes we expect friends and significant others to “fix” our past hurts and disappointments (that they had absolutely nothing to do with creating), when what we really need to do is make peace with those feelings within ourselves.

Some of your words concern me, such as fearing Millie will “abandon” you. Who else has abandoned you in your life? Have you ever asked yourself what would happen if Millie ceased to exist tomorrow? If you absolutely couldn’t function without her, then your attachment to her may be unhealthy, and you need to ask yourself why.

Millie’s actions are not a personal rejection of you, but if you continue to take it personally, you will ruin the friendship. The last thing you want to do is to cling so hard to the past that Millie backs away from you. Try to keep in mind that just because Millie needs Bob in her life does not mean that she doesn’t still care for you.

What is so fortunate in your situation is that Millie wants to maintain your friendship. But you must allow her to do so by giving her guilt-free time to spend with Bob. Accept that while you may not see her as frequently, you can still treasure the time you do spend together. It sounds as though Millie will always have a place for you in her life.

Write and let me know how you and Millie are doing in the future. I wish you all the best.

Lacey