Dear Lacey:

My best friend and I have had some major problems this year, and our friendship has hit rock bottom. Recently, my friend moved into an apartment with one of our mutual friends. When I saw him the day before the move, we barely said more than 2 sentences to each other and on the night he moved, he called and cursed me out on my voice mail. I had offered to help him move, but he refused. I feel very awkward around him now. We even work in the same building! When I got that nasty message, I didn't want to talk or call him back again, but I do miss him. I am kind of scared to talk to him because I don't know if he will explode at me again. What should I do? Should I talk to him or let him come to me? Or just do nothing and see what happens? How would you respond to a friend cursing you out?

Betty

Dear Betty:

I'm usually a fan of giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially when it comes to making mistakes in friendships, because let’s face it; none of us are perfect. All of us are prone to making hurtful comments or doing insensitive things. But the big difference between that and the situation you just described is that in most cases, rifts in any relationship are usually caused by misunderstandings or miscommunication. Your friend’s actions were more deliberate.

No matter what you did – and in this case it isn't entirely clear to you – it doesn't justify your friend’s reaction. I'm especially concerned about the fact that he didn't immediately call you the next day and beg your forgiveness or blame his behavior on the fact that he was stressed out by the move. That tells you a lot about how much he values your feelings.

Most of the time when confrontations like this occur, the friendship is pretty much at the point of being over anyway – if you look back at the last few months, you may find some indicators that led up to your friend’s outburst. Despite this, if a friend cursed me out, short of being in the process of giving birth (and I only say that because I did that to my own mother after 18 hours of hard labor, after which I offered tearful apologies) I wouldn't be too happy about it.

I think you should let this go. Consequently, one of two things is likely to happen. Your friend may start to seek you out again and pretend like nothing is wrong, in which case you should tell him that the two of you need to have a serious talk about the way he behaved. Or he may avoid you.

If the two of you never rekindle the friendship, in all honesty, I don't think you're losing too much. Everyone – no matter what they did to upset a friend – deserves purely basic respect. If your friend can't give you that, then you don't need him in your life. To accept behavior like that is akin to stating that you're not worth any better. And of course you are worth it.

Although everyone loses it on occasion, there are plenty of other people out there who don't scream into their friends’ answering machines. Start surrounding yourself with people who handle their emotions with more restraint, and in the future you won't even have to ask whether you should be friends with someone who treats you this badly.

Lacey