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Dear Jenny:
This appears to be a common theme when it comes to friendship. Friendships frequently cool off (or in your case, spontaneously combust), and then down the road the parties
involved decide that maybe the relationship is worth another try. The question then becomes a matter of whether you can move on and create an even better friendship or if
this renewed friendship will end the same, or worse, as it did before.
First, the bad news. Let’s be realistic about Eliza. It sounds as though being highly sensitive and needy is part of her personality, and that will not change. While it’s
virtually impossible to change our personalities – for instance, if you despise the color pink, you can't just force yourself to like it – the good news is that we can change
our behavior and the way we respond to people. So there’s hope here.
Now that some time has passed, it appears that you and Eliza have created enough emotional distance to realize there may be something there worth salvaging. So I think you should give it a try.
Instead of completely forgetting what happened in the past, which is an impossible feat anyway, try to learn from the experience in order to give the renewed friendship a better foundation. As
the two of you begin to reconnect, consider telling Eliza how sorry you are for your part in the way things ended. She needs to hear that, and she will most likely respond in kind.
And if you want to prevent history from repeating itself, you also need to express (gently) some of the things she did in the past to put you off. Try something like, “I always enjoy our
telephone conversations, but one call a day is all I'm going to have time for. I really need you to respect that.”
Then there’s the most difficult part of all. You need to find out the behavior she may need you to change. If you're brave enough to ask the question, listen to Eliza with an open mind and
heart, which means not immediately jumping to the conclusion that she’s being too needy again. Instead, look for the value in what she says and resolve to improve.
As to what everyone else thinks, sometimes doing the right thing does not always mean that you will earn others’ resounding approval. You must talk to your husband about this, out of respect
for his feelings toward Eliza, however the final decision is ultimately yours. If your husband sees that you are happier having Eliza in your life, chances are he’ll be okay with the situation.
And regarding your other friends, take a like-it-or-lump-it approach. Don't live your life by committee – if you want Eliza in your life, they need to accept her presence. Any snide comments
or groans of dismay made about Eliza should not be tolerated by you. No one is saying your friends need to adore her, but they should at the very least be cordial.
One of the most valuable lessons we can take from friendship is the ability to forgive as well as the necessity of seeking forgiveness. It is the willingness to care about someone despite their
idiosyncrasies that gives a friendship depth and meaning. Because at the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for acceptance?
Lacey
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