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Dear Carol:
The wonderful thing about friends is that while we may be stuck with our family and in-laws, we have the ability to choose our friends and surround ourselves with
a group of people who are there voluntarily, not because they have to be. The only problem is that they can drop out voluntarily as well.
You're right – self-awareness is key here because there’s something in you that is attracted to people who ultimately become unavailable to you. It sounds like
this situation has repeated itself throughout your life. Once you figure out why that is, learning to spot a situation like this early on and preventing it from
happening will come almost naturally.
Not to get too Freudian on you, but think back to your childhood. Was an important figure in your life emotionally remote or otherwise unavailable? I do believe
that when we fall into negative relationship patterns as adults, we're unknowingly trying to “fix” something that went wrong back when we were powerless to do anything about it.
I had a bad habit of choosing wild and crazy best friends who took advantage of me, then unceremoniously dumped me when someone better came along. This happened for years
until, like you, I decided I'd had enough and needed to change.
And guess what? Some of the wonderful friendships I've made since then have been with people I never even bothered to notice before. They weren't necessarily my “type,” but
they are true blue, and they had been around the entire time I was making less than stellar choices. I just hadn't noticed they were there.
So look around you. You may already have some acquaintances with whom you could develop a terrific friendship. But any real relationship requires vulnerability – when you get
burned too many times it’s difficult to put yourself out there again, but I encourage you to try.
If a friend starts to put you on the back burner in the future, be proactive. Suggest a regular day of the month to meet, or for fun, vow that you'll get together for all the
lesser-known, non-family holidays: April Fools’ Day, May Day, Flag Day, etc. Let your friend know how much you value the friendship and want to keep it going – don't allow
past wounds to cause you to shut yourself off or give up right away.
If you feel there is no hope for the friendship, however, then obviously it’s time to move on. I'm willing to bet you can look back on some of the fractured relationships of
your past and realize the person ultimately did you a favor. If you can become more attuned to the reasons you do things (and there’s always a reason), you will be able to
break this old pattern and find some friends who value time with you as much as you value time with them. Best of luck to you!
Lacey
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