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Dear Friendless Fred:
I have a close friend who is like a magnet to others. Dana has a certain charisma– an energy – that draws people to her like nothing I’ve ever seen. Her
biggest complaint is having to set so much time aside every week to RSVP to all the parties she’s invited to.
Okay, so there’s Dana and then there’s the rest of us. Most people have to work a little harder to create friendships. Since you haven’t been having much luck
in this department lately, have you thought about what kind of friend you’d like to have? A tennis partner, a movie buddy, or someone you can stay up all night
talking to? Or are you simply longing for a friend so badly that you’ve tossed all criteria out the window and you’re willing to settle for whoever comes along?
Then there’s the more difficult part of the analysis – you. You’ve got a feeling you’re doing something to turn off potential friends, and there’s something to be
said for gut instinct. I’m particularly concerned about your mention of gifts and lending money. Gestures like that too early in a friendship can come across as
suffocating rather than generous.
On the bright side, however, the mere fact that you’re concerned about how you come off to others shows that you have a lot to offer
a friend. Think of how many people have friends who treat them terribly and have no interest in improving themselves.
Everyone goes through dry spells. Take work, romance, your hobbies – there are times these things are thrilling and create butterflies in your stomach, and there are
other times when you’re so bored you could cry.
In graduate school I moved alone to a completely different area of the country and found myself longing for a good friend, but
there was no one my own age anywhere in the vicinity. I had to accept the fact that, for the time being, I wasn’t going to have anyone to meet for lunch or go shopping
with. Eventually things changed, and the experience made me more appreciative of the new friends I made.
What about nurturing or renewing some long-distance friendships in the meantime? Look up your college roommate, an old friend from summer camp, or go to an upcoming class
reunion. Take a page out of Dana’s book and work on yourself, keep busy, and let people come to you. In other words, stop trying so hard to make people like you.
The right friend will come along for you. When it happens, be patient and allow the friendship to grow slowly – the most satisfying, lasting friendships develop over time.
Lacey
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